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Tantrums
Handle a tantrum by finding the trigger, staying calm, redirecting, and stopping anything unsafe at once.
1Look
The kitchen floor
The kitchen floor
A three-year-old flat on a kitchen floor, red-faced and screaming, a sippy cup on its side across the room, and the sitter standing one step back.
He is not doing this at you. He is doing it because he is three.
2The idea
Normal development, not defiance
From about two to four: big feelings, a brain that cannot manage them yet, and not enough words. A tantrum is a system overload, not a decision. Older kids can have them too when they are tired or overwhelmed. You are not there to win. You are there to keep them safe until it passes.
Triggers: tired, hungry, told no, a change they did not expect, too much noise, trying to do a thing they cannot do yet. Find the trigger and you can often stop the next one. You can rarely stop this one, and trying to stop it usually makes it longer.
3The idea
What you do
1. Safety first. If they are hurting themselves, someone else, or are near anything dangerous, move them or the thing, now, gently.
2. Get low, stay near, voice quiet and slow.
3. Say little: You’re upset. I’m here. No reasoning, no bribes, no shouting.
4. When the peak passes, redirect: a different room, a drink, a job to do.
5. Afterwards: a cuddle if they want one, no lecture, back to normal.
Your calm is the only thing in the room they can borrow. What not to do: give them the thing they screamed for, because the next tantrum comes sooner. Hold them tight to stop it, unless they are about to be hurt. Walk out and leave them alone in a room with hazards in it. Laugh. Film it.
4The idea
Finn and the blue cup
Finn, three, wanted the blue cup. It is in the dishwasher. Down he goes. Cup thrown. Amara moves the chair he is kicking, and sits on the floor a metre away. You wanted the blue one. I know. Quiet. Ninety seconds of screaming. He looks at her. Shall we see if the dishwasher’s finished? It has. Blue cup, water, done.
Was that giving in? No. The cup was always fine; the timing was not. Amara changed nothing about the rule. She waited until he could hear it. If the blue cup had been a no, the answer would have been the same calm, the same floor, and a different cup at the end.
5Your turn
Three tantrums
Three tantrums
Three scenes: tired at bedtime, a no to a biscuit, and a tantrum at the top of the stairs. Pick your response and the scene plays out. The stairs one only accepts moving him before any words.
One of the three has a right answer that happens before you say anything.
6Decide
He is screaming on the floor by the open oven door. What comes first?
Pick one to carry on.
7Say it
The line, low and slow
Say it low and slow, like you have got all night
“You're really upset. I'm right here.”
You will say it to a kid who cannot hear you yet. Say it anyway.
8Find them
Which of these are things you do during a tantrum?
Tap the ones that count.
Find all 4.
9Do it
Before you leave this page
Get a parent or a sibling to shout at you for thirty seconds. Anything, loud. Your job is to answer in a low, slow voice and stay where you are. Then swap.
Tick it when you have done it.
Lesson done.
Tantrums are normal. Stay calm, keep them safe, wait it out. Stop anything dangerous immediately. Argue about nothing.
Next lesson: Feeding