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Somebody who listens more than your friends do
Set the Feeling Dial on a chat that reads warm, and separate feeling good from being safe.
1Watch
The best conversation she has had all week
The one who listens
A kid on her bed, phone up, half smiling. On screen: long replies, questions about her, 'go on', 'that is actually really smart'. Her real friends' group chat sits unread above it. It ends on her typing 'you're the only one who gets it'.
24 secondsThis is the hardest one in the badge, because nothing in it feels bad.
2The idea
Attention is the currency
Your friends are busy, distracted and sometimes a bit rubbish at listening. Somebody who is never busy, always asks and always remembers stands out. That is exactly why it is worth being suspicious of.
Real friends do not get paid in your attention. Someone who seems to want nothing but your attention wants something. The attention is not the gift. It is the price they are paying, and nobody pays a price for nothing.
3The idea
Why the dial needs a second check here
The Feeling Dial is your first instrument: Fine, Funny, Twitchy, Scared, Angry. On most things it is right. On this one, it reads Fine, and Fine is exactly what the chat is built to produce. So on a chat that feels good, you run the Two Questions as well.
Do I have permission? Would I be happy telling Mum about this after? Not ‘is it allowed’. Would you happily hand her the phone and let her read the whole thing. If the answer is a wince, that is the reading, and the dial was wrong.
4The idea
Watch it work once
Nadia’s chat: ‘you’re so much more mature than people your age’. ‘I’m always here, any time.’ ‘Your friends don’t deserve you.’ ‘Don’t tell your parents we talk, they wouldn’t get it.’ Her dial, honestly, says Fine. Better than fine. It is the best she has felt all week.
She runs the second question. Would she hand her mum the phone? No. She would not want her to read a single line of it. A chat that feels great and that you would hide is the one to look at hardest. She shows a friend first, then her mum. Both of them see it in a minute.
5Your turn
Put the dial on it
The Feeling Dial, on a warm chat
Read the chat one message at a time. After each, set the dial: Fine, Funny, Twitchy, Scared, Angry. At the end the card plots your dial against the chat and shows where Fine stayed Fine for too long.
There is no wrong setting. The point is to notice that Fine is a reading you sometimes need to check.
6Decide
Your dial says Fine. Everything about the chat feels good. What do you do with that?
Pick one to carry on.
7Say it
A thing to say to a real friend
Say it in your ordinary voice
“Can I tell you something real for a second?”
Saying it to a friend, in person, is the actual defence. The online listener only wins if nobody else is listening.
8Find them
Which of these are warm on the surface and worth a second look?
Tap the ones that count.
Find all 4.
9Look
Two chats, side by side
A friend and a listener
Two chat screens. Left: a school friend, short messages, a two-hour gap, a meme, 'sorry was at football'. Right: the listener, long replies within seconds, every one of them about her.
The left one is worse at listening and better for you. Real people have football.
10Do it
Before you leave this page
This week, tell one friend one real thing, out loud and in person. Not a text. Tonight, decide which friend and which thing.
Tick it when you have done it.
Lesson done.
Feeling good is not the same as being safe. Check the dial anyway.
Next lesson: Let's talk somewhere elseBadge 2 · Who You're Actually Talking To
2.1It's slow on purpose2.2They already know what you like2.3Somebody who listens more than your friends do2.4Let's talk somewhere else★Badge Challenge